There is, truly, nothing more pathetic than some fat kid running wind-sprints in full-dress football regalia. But, that was my fate for being a smart-ass in Sunday School. I played defensive tackle on the JV football team, a position just about as depraved as anything might be for a 15-year-old kid. I was big and fat and not very fast. I absolutely HATED football! (Still do!) Defensive tackles get hit on almost every play and rarely, if ever, get to score points for the team or with girls. If the defensive tackles make tackles on opposing runners, that is just doing one’s expected job. Utterly unremarkable. MISS a tackle, and you are the worthless scum of the Earth!
The assistant football coach, a man of rigid moralities and rectitude, was ALSO my Presbyterian Sunday-School teacher as well as being an English teacher in the high school. One day in Sunday School he made the unfortunate mistake of trying to explain “Predestination,” a core tenet of the Presbyterian Church in which I was raised. I am sure it substantially contributed to my ultimate decision to become an atheist. I really could not stand the notion of having my life (eternal or otherwise) so certainly planned out!
After “Coach” had taken an initial stab at explaining the core doctrine of Predestination, I leaned back in my chair and, with a poorly concealed smirk on my face, I suggested that as our souls’ ultimate fate of doom or saving had already been determined, then it should make no difference at all how we behaved in life, since the die of salvation had already been cast! That seemed VERY logical to me! “Coach” quickly backed up and reproached me for blatant illogic! He pointed out that, while our salvation might well be predetermined in an ordinary sense, we might well fulfill the predicted course of conduct that would take us straight to Hell, thus dooming our souls to deserved eternal damnation! On the other hand, if we struggled in righteousness, we might yet be forgiven our sins and be able to sneak through the portals of Heaven, just ahead of the iron grasp of Satan! WHEW!
Nevertheless, sensing no danger, I pressed my case. I insisted on arguing the point that if we could, somehow, foil the predicted outcome, then that would surely impeach the notion of Predestination, as our self-actuated salvation could not possibly be “predetermined” if we had the power to change it! “Coach” was not amused.
In fact, “Coach” was annoyed. And, it did not occur to the 15-year-old mind with the foresight of a garden slug that the righteous man before him would actually indulge in petty revenge for a 15-year-old being a smart-ass! But, he did! The next day, Monday, football practice was scheduled after school, per usual. After I had turned out on the field and run the obligatory warm-up laps with my teammates on the track surrounding the practice field, “Coach” ordered me to take a few WIND-SPRINTS on the unused portion of the practice field! By myself. I got an uneasy feeling for being alone in this venture.
I finished about 5 round trips and announced that I had done so, quite winded from the experience and having set no land-speed records in doing so. “Coach” then ordered me to provide further evidence of my invincibility! I could not believe my fate (nor understand it) as I had not (yet) linked my Sunday queries with my current misfortune. I threw my helmet on the ground and shuffled off to the Zone of Death again, sort of dragging my feet along as I “pranced” half-heartedly up and down the field. “Coach” yelled at me to “pick it up”!
Upon my return, I breathlessly announced that I had completed another 5 round trips, and “Coach” ordered me back down the field again, telling me THIS TIME that my destiny to run wind-sprints was PRE-determined, as I would surely eventually realize! At that point, the horror of my ways dawned on me! I could not go much further and, after another stretch, shuffled over to the area where my teammates were laying about, collapsed on the ground and almost fainted. “Coach” walked over and looked down condescendingly at my limp body and told me that one day I would be thankful that the Lord was helping me build a strong body! I have to say that I did not share his gratitude. I actually wondered if “the Lord” might make me run wind-sprints in Heaven! Satan probably would in Hell!
I was much more circumspect thereafter, seeking to curb my smart-ass ways in Sunday School, but after the end of football season, I was back to my usual heathen existence.
