‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house,
The whole damned family was as drunk as a louse!
The stockings were hung in the bathroom’s foul air,
And the toilet was crusted with old pubic hair.
The children were belching and singing vile songs,
While the kid in bed was pulling his dong.
Ma, home from the outhouse and Pa, out of jail,
Had just settled down for a nice piece of tail.
When, out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter!
Away to the window I flew, like a flash,
Slipped on a beer can and busted my ass!
The moon, bright on the new-fallen snow,
Gave a luster to objects called “the whorehouse below.”
When, what to my bloodshot eyes should appear,
But a rusty sleigh, and two mangy reindeer!
With a little ol’ driver a-pulling his dick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick!
As slow as snails, his reindeer they came,
And he bitched, and he swore, and he called them by name:
“Now Dasher, now Dancer, up, over the walls!
Quick, goddammit, or I’ll cut off your balls!”
And then, in a twinkling, on the rooftop
I heard an unmistakable “plop.”
And old St. Nick, he slipped and he fell,
And he came down the chimney like a bat out of Hell!
He was dressed all in fur, from his boots to his mitts,
And his clothes were all tarnished with fresh reindeer shit.
His bundle of toys was smeared in a bunch,
And he looked like a wino about to blow lunch!
His eyes were quite bleary from taking a “nap.”
His face was quite purple; his nose like road maps.
His little mouth uncontrollably drooled,
And his beard was entangled with fresh reindeer stool.
He had a round face, and a swollen beer belly,
And his breath, when he burped, was foul and smelly.
He was snarling and piggy, a right grumpy old elf,
And he ate everything off the pantry shelf!
As I then started to retch and to heave,
Old St. Nick decided to leave.
And, sticking a finger up inside his nose,
And cutting a fart, up the chimney he rose!
He sprang for his sleigh, but missed the door,
Tripped on his peter and fell to the floor.
Well, I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
“Piss on you all! This was a helluva night!”
