1—Longevity is WAY overrated!
2—The reason getting old is called the "Golden Years" is because that is the color of our underwear! And also our pill bottles!
3—My heart used to skip a beat and go pitter-patter whenever I'd see a good-looking woman; now it's just atrial fibrillation!
4—I used to get my Second Wind at 9 PM--now I’m just breaking wind at 9 PM!
5—I quit buying Viagra because there’s just no point.
6—What’s with all the “smartphones”? Why would people want a phone smarter than they are? I’d be afraid I’d step out into the street and not notice the smart-car about to whack me!
7— People all just sit around in restaurants and bars wiping their phone screens with their fingers, oblivious to everything and everyone else around them! Should those using smartphones while ignoring dinner companions be considered dumb-asses?
8—I was quite the dancer in my younger days, juking around to rock ’n’ roll. Now my rocking and rolling are done in chairs! Someone asked me recently if I could still “get down.” Of course I can still “get down,” but getting up is now a serious problem!
9—I can now listen to all the loud music I want without bugging my parents! In fact, it’s a necessity!
10—One may as well get to bed by 10 PM because the body is gonna wake up at 6 AM no matter what time one goes to bed!
11—I used to love going to fine restaurants and pounding down a big steak for dinner. Now I just bring 2/3 of it home for later! I’ve brought home so many “doggie bags” I’m now trying to scratch behind my ears with my feet and am howling at the moon!
12—I used to have longer hair, but about 30 years ago my hairdresser told me my bald spot would show less if I cut my hair short!
13—Those irregular red diagrams on our arms are not really cool tattoos; they are just “geezer” bruises!
14—I remember pitying the Old Grads celebrating their 50th Reunions at alumni functions, thinking I would NEVER get to be that pathetic; now I are one!
15—The body will surely age and turn to mush, but the brain and the eyes stay 19 FOREVER!
16—I used to love going into bars and restaurants and flirting with all the good-looking waitresses and bartenders; now they all address me as “sir” and ask if I want the “Senior Discount."
17—You know you are getting old when you lust after your friends’ (grand)daughters or your (grand)daughter’s friends.
18—I knew I was gonna get older, but I did not think it would happen so fast! When I was a kid, I was desperate to become a “grownup.” Now I am a geezer! What happened to “grownup"?
19—Back when I was in school, I observed that the trip between Lexington and Richmond was “6 beers and 2 pit-stops long”; now it’s 2 beers and 6 pit-stops long!
20—I get my usual lengthy nap during the day, so don’t need coffee anymore to stay awake. One may as well get to bed by 10 PM because the body is gonna wake up at 6 AM no matter what time one goes to bed!
21—Drunk driving IS reprehensible and wrong, but I can remember when it was a competitive sport! The “trigger” BAC was 0.15% back then!! There were fewer idiots and a lot less traffic on the roads, and cops were often kind enough to just drive someone home. Most of us geezers are lucky to be alive today, but getting killed on the highways was considered just another acceptable risk, like BB-gunfights and cherry bombs! “Hey, y’all! Watch this!”
22—“Light” beer is OK now, but “3.2” beer back in the good ol’ days was nasty!
23—Fear of the contents of one’s “Permanent Record” never goes away!
24—God invented toilet tanks so we’d have a convenient shelf for our pill bottles!
25—God invented khaki pants as a malicious joke.
26—We may be in danger of losing our sense of humor as we age; some of us feel compelled to righteously demonstrate our intellectual superiority by literally responding, in detail, to the gist of mere jokes!
OR
???
26—You know when you are dealing with a “humor-challenged” geezer when he feels compelled to righteously demonstrate his intellectual superiority by lIterally responding, in detail, to the gist of mere jokes!
27--I don't do "stand-up" comedy anymore. I have to sit down now. And, it's a bitch to get up onstage with a walker!
