BODY-WASH OPERAS

(E-mail sent to several friends recently.)


When I was a kid growing up in NE North Carolina, my parents' house was in some sort of electromagnetic "dead zone" such that we could receive only one TV station out of Norfolk, originally an NBC affiliate that changed, in the mid-1950's, to CBS.  Consequently, whenever I was home sick, there was only a bunch of CBS soap operas to watch on TV, and I would mindlessly stare at the TV screen while they were running as "white noise" for my healing comfort.  The gallons of chicken noodle soup that I consumed were no help.  At an early age I determined that soap operas were utter crap not to be taken seriously, and certainly not to be watched by intelligent people.  Serious actors, however, have said that their time on soap operas was great for their careers, steady work, good pay and intensely serious acting.

The problem with all soap operas, though, especially for one weaned on cowboy or detective drama that was always utterly resolved in less than 30 minutes, is that soap operas were NEVER resolved!  Nothing ever seemed to get finished!

So, fast-forward to the HBO and PBS offerings in the late-20th and early-21st Centuries, and to those of us now addicted to the likes of "The Sopranos," "Tombstone," "Boardwalk Empire," "Game of Thrones," "Downton Abbey" and "Mr. Selfridge."  Most of us fail to recognize that we are addicted to what I would call these "body-wash operas," "body-wash" being just a fancy name for liquid "soap."  The aforesaid dramatic offerings which have garnered large followings are just as unresolved as the "soaps" of the 1950'as and 1960's.  The newer offerings being high-minded or vulgar or murderous or sexually explicit is no excuse.

And, being a scum-sucking hypocrite, I am just as addicted now to these latest offerings as were our predecessors to the early TV "soaps."  So, it was with great sadness that I had to part company last night with Season Two of "Mr. Selfridge," the fictionalized PBS drama about the founding of the great department store in London, "Selfridge's."  When I realized that was the "finale" for Season Two, I felt an emptiness, a loneliness thereafter that might be matched only by the death of a loved pet or even a family member.  What crap!  I embarrass myself!  But, will that prevent me from tuning in Season Three if/when it returns?  I doubt it.

I spent Sunday afternoon away, then raced home so that I could watch last week's final rerun of "Game of Thrones" (which I had repeatedly missed) at 8 PM on HBO, followed by the two-hour "Mr. Selfridge" finale above-mentioned on PBS.  That was three full hours of narcotic fixation, interrupted only by one most undesirable, annoying phone call.  As PBS does not do "reruns," I had determined to watch "Mr. Selfridge" at 9 PM and postpone my further narcotic satisfaction with the conflicting new episode of "Game of Thrones" until later in the week, since it will rerun almost every night.  Now, with "Mr. Selfridge" gone, I regret I shall have to make do with only "Game of Thrones" until "Boardwalk Empire" and/or "Downton Abbey" start up again.  My life is so empty and meaningless!

For anyone reading this who has managed to avoid these programs, I shall say only that you are doing SOMETHING right!  Stay away!  Do not come close, or you WILL be sucked in, never to be released.  And, DON'T bother to call on Sunday nights!