My True Love bailed on me last year. Christmas was the last straw.
I thought I’d try to do something really romantic and nice for her for Christmas. I decided to replicate “The Twelve Days of Christmas” by giving her all the wonderful gifts as recited in the song. Duh.
Twelve days each of “a partridge in a pear tree.” I picked up some pear tree saplings last fall at a nursery and stored them in my garage. I found a source for live partridges (“bobwhites”) and arranged to have them shipped to me in December.
Eleven days each of “two turtle doves” (whatever they are). I got some live doves from the same source as the bobwhites. I used to shoot both! And eat them! Damn, they tasted good! Especially wrapped in bacon!
Ten days each of three French hens. Do you have any idea of how hard it is to find FRENCH chickens? But, I got ‘em! At least they LOOK “French”! I can’t tell if they cluck in French or not. Do those clucks translate as “Pardon my French, but …?” But I don’t think My True Love will know the diff! I like fried chicken anyway!
Nine days each of four “calling birds.” I had no clue what KIND of “calling birds, so I got 36 mynah birds that chattered up a storm! And they weren’t “fowl-mouthed” like those gray parrots in Florida!
Eight days each of five golden rings per day. Not real cheap, but not too bad, either. Well, I thought they LOOKED like gold!
Seven days each of “six geese a-laying,” and six days each of “seven swans a-swimming.” I’ve got a pond in my back yard, so I could keep them nearby and let the swans and geese hang out there. I bought a couple of bales of hay and about 18 softballs to make it LOOK LIKE the geese were sitting on eggs!
And then I had to buy a bunch of cages for all those birds. I got a bulk deal because I needed a lot of them! I stashed them in my Barn.
Five days each of “eight maids a-milking,” which meant that I had to arrange both the maids and the cows. I hired some college gals to dress up and pretend to be milk-maids (aprons and Dutch caps), and a buddy of mine who’s a cattle farmer brought in some steers to stand by and munch on the hay. They didn’t care, and thankfully they didn’t need to be milked at 3 AM! My True Love would not know the diff!
Four days each of “nine ladies dancing.” I hired some women from the local Arthur Murray Studio to come in and swoop around. They meshed nicely with the “ten lords a-leaping” who came in for three days. It was kind of bizarre, though, watching them all jump and swoop around in the back yard. It was pretty nippy out there, so I had to pay extra for them wearing the skimpy costumes!
Two days each of eleven pipers piping! How annoying! Thank goodness it was only for two days, and only for a little while each day! They were playing Irish jigs for the ladies and lords to dance by. I dreaded the possibility that they would be playing that dreary, atonal, pan-pipe Indian-music crap! It was bad enough, so thankfully it was only two days!
FINALLY, on the last day, January 5, twelve frigging drummers drumming! I got them from the local high school band. What a RACKET! They were outside, too. You’d better believe it! I told them just beat the Hell out of those drums for an hour and don’t worry about it. They furnished their own uniforms, AND they brought some folding chairs, so I didn’t have to worry about any of that.
By that time, though, My True Love was rather put out. I think it was when the bird “doo” started piling up around the back door, and we could not walk in the yard for all the poop! It was EVERYWHERE, and the sloped edge of the pond looked like a paved concrete boat ramp, where the geese and the swans were going in and out of the pond. It was tough on the dancing ladies and the leaping lords, too! Those birds had been there for several days BEFORE the ladies and lords got there! The pipers and drummers didn’t care much, as they were sitting in the chairs they brought (pipers, too). No marching required, which suited them.
When I thought about it and totaled everything up, I realized that I had set up a numerical “palindrome,” which is normally a word or phrase that reads the same, backward or forward, like “RADAR” or “A TOYOTA”:
12 partridges in pear trees and 12 drummers drumming!
22 “turtle doves” and 22 pipers piping!
30 French hens and 30 lords a-leaping!
36 calling birds and 36 ladies dancing!
40 golden rings and 40 maids a-milking!
42 geese a-laying and 42 swans a-swimming!
That’s a lot of bird poop! I should have had sense enough to just make all that crap (pun intended) disappear every day and bring the same stuff back again the next day.
Another thing I noticed is that as each equivalent pair increases in total number, the DIFFERENCES between those total pairs reduce by “2”—10, 8, 6, 4, 2. I thought it was a fascinating mathematical presentation, but My True Love simply did not care, as I vainly tried to explain it. I was obviously boring her.
She just walked out the door, and I haven’t seen nor heard from her since.
And then the coyotes started eating all the birds.
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