FORGET, HELL YEAH!

Lately we have been treated to various threats and statements from several sources, many from Texas and other parts south, who are again enamored of the idea of seceding from the United States. The presidency of Barack Obama seems to be fueling some of this nonsense. There was also a group of white, land- and slave-owning males back in the mid-1800’s in the American South who thought secession from the United States was a good idea. The latter-day secessionist saints also seem to be mostly white, mostly male and fairly encumbered with property, if not wealth. Unfortunately for some of them, slave-owning is now illegal.

The shared circumstance in both instances seems to be much dissatisfaction with the Fearless Leaders of the federal government in Washington. Many in the Planter Class back in the mid-1800’s were ready to abandon their presumed allegiance to the United States if Abraham Lincoln became President. Many today are rather annoyed at Barack Obama, the first “black” President in the “White” House. Some recent hotheads have associated both the Swastika and the Hammer & Sickle with images of Obama sporting a Hitler-like “toothbrush” mustache. But, we have their assurances they are not racist. Whatever. Maybe they are just dingleberries.

As a Vietnam-Era draft-dodger and life-long Southerner, gratefully if not proudly descended from a long line of non-combatant Southerners who cleverly managed to avoid wartime dangers I have, nevertheless, come to some conclusions about secession and what is generally known hereabouts as the “War of Northern Aggression.” I did have a couple of ancestors who participated in that conflict on behalf of the Confederacy, and the Confederacy is generally thought of as the entity which the Southern states created and joined after “they” seceded from the Union. But, it is well to remember that it was not the people generally who voted to secede from the Union; it was merely the antebellum Southern legislatures that declared secession, and those bodies were selected by, and representative of white, male landowners EXCLUSIVELY! "Nigras," women and redneck sharecroppers need not apply.

I marvel at the way in which the “neo-Confederates" out there today swagger around, clutching their virtual cod-pieces and declaring in manly voices what they are gonna do if whatever does not happen! I think that most of them, though, have no more of a clue of what real deprivation and loss is about (or even war) than did the land- and slave-owning Planter Class of the mid-1800’s, standing around "harrumphing" in their drawing rooms, swilling French brandy and bragging about what THEY were gonna do when "Marse Robert" kicked some Yankee ass. Meanwhile, the poor redneck schmucks who did the actual fighting and dying in the Confederate Army were marching around in wool uniforms in summer and barefoot in winter, enjoying the very real deprivation produced for them by the Noble Cause. It is probably a good thing for the continuation of Confederate myth that THEY never had a vote!

Now, let’s consider the recent ravings of those who, perhaps like Texas Gov. Rick Perry, are thinking about having that state secede from the United States. We have been treated to much ado about the brief Texas history as an independent republic. Do modern-day Texas proto-secessionists really think they will get to retain all those Texas-based federal assets (like Ft. Hood & the Houston Space Center) for free? Just imagine the size of the tax load on Texans to pay for Ft. Hood! It is HUGE! They should have to pay for that stupid border fence, too, and all the post offices! Cash on the (oil) barrel-head! NOW!

What about Texas exports to the remaining US? They just might face heavy tariffs, That way, we in the US can tax their britches off and they'd have no representation in Congress whatsoever! Doesn’t seem like such a good idea to me. What if their oil just pooled around their proud Texas bodies like the waist-level water in Dilbert's Elbonia if they don't sell it to us? We'd also be rid of John Cornyn in the Senate, and no chance of Tom deLay coming back to the House, either. Elderly Texans might also be a bit dismayed to be summarily cut off from Social Security and Medicare. (SS and Medicare just might become solvent again!) So, instead, they can all pilgrimage out to the Alamo to sing "The Yellow Rose of Texas" in unison! Of course, they could always declare war on the US, then immediately surrender and get bailed out, like the Grand Duchy of Fenwick!

I think the "War of Northern Aggression" was about the stupidest thing the Southern legislatures ever foisted on the unrepresented masses. In the end, the Confederacy, Jefferson Davis & Robt. E. Lee were a cruel joke. Some less worshipful historians regard Lee as a liar, a traitor, and a mediocre commander who arrogantly and witlessly gave in to his unbridled ego, manifest in the fiascoes of Gettysburg & Antietam. After all the blood, sweat & tears shed by others, Lee got to slink off to Lexington to become president of Washington College (later Washington & Lee University), from which I graduated with a law degree back in the early 1970’s.

Robert E. Lee was a graduate of West Point and a US Army officer for a long time prior to the Civil War. A lot of my fellow Southerners and W&L Alumni will be very angry for my asking, but is not Lee a traitor for violating his solemn oath as a US military officer to support and defend the US against all enemies, foreign AND DOMESTIC? Is not Lee very lucky he avoided prison and got to move to Lexington instead? Apparently, Lee never explained his rationale for taking up arms against the nation he was sworn to defend. I asked a book-writing historian about that once. The revisionist historical hagiography we have been subjected to over the years has effectively protected the legend of Robert E. Lee as a principled gentleman warrior who was merely out-gunned.

I am not anti-Lee; I think he was a very interesting person. But I am not a worshipful Southerner, either. If Lee is as great as most Southerners think, then he ought to be able to withstand some objective examination. For a change.

Secession may seem like a good idea if, as I frequently am, one is very annoyed with a government that often seems unresponsive to one’s concerns. But it is a really stupid idea, and it is an idea best not visited out loud lest one be mistaken for an idiot.