MARKET THEORY & "CHARDONNAY" LIBERALS

 

I listened to most of Meghna Chakrabardi’s (sp?) program, "On Point," December 4, 2020 on WCVE, Richmond, Virginia (88.9 MHz) featuring Washington Post personal finance columnist Michelle Singletary, Rana Foroohar and Jack Beatty.  I listened to it again on repeat the following weekend.

It is disconcerting to listen to yet another bunch of paw-wringing six-figure “chardonnay liberals” emoting about what OUGHT to be done to “fix” the wretched economic conditions that have been building for a very long time for multiple reasons and made worse by the wanton negligence of Donald Trump and his self-dealing pack of thieving swine.  In particular, Michelle Singletary tried to cast the issue as a “moral” issue, which is pure hogwash.  The piety and guilt-tripping practiced by our Fearless Leaders are almost suffocating, especially since no one babbling about the shame all of us should certainly feel by now seemingly has a clue about market theory and why the collective purchasing power of the TRUE “middle class” ought to be higher than it is.  They preach earnestly to the choir about how we should all be morally ashamed of the horrible conditions faced by the less fortunate, but it will mostly fall unheard by those who need to hear it.  Contrary to the assumptions of most of them, market theory is not limited to favoring the privileged few.

I am not defending the inarguable immorality of what has been going on.  I am not defending Mitch McConnell’s tone-deafness for the amoral implications of his preferred policies, but it is well to remember that Donald Trump ALMOST won re-election!  That should sober anyone tempted to piously rant and rave about “morality.”  A lot of god-fearin’ Amurikans who voted for Trump (about 73 Million) simply don’t give a damn, and they really hate being preached to by those who don’t have to worry about the next paycheck already being spent!  Ignoring the “politics” of all of this is really stupid.  It is, precisely, the point!  Sadly, those poor souls pleading to the contrary at the beginning of the program have no clue, either.

The reason why that collective purchasing power should be stronger is not to assuage the guilt we all surely deserve but to put our leaning economic house in order.  Our economy has horribly suffered from a chronic lack of DEMAND in the marketplace which, in turn, is a function of the missing widespread purchasing power that used to drive the world economy.  The Federal Reserve cutting interest rates to near-zero has not fixed a thing!  We are suffering from a FISCAL problem, not a MONETARY problem.  Declining retail sales and declining FICA tax revenues are the proof, not the soaring Dow Jones averages or meager “new job” figures.  Ever since 1980, when Ronald Reagan and his buddy, David Stockman, trotted out their phony “supply-side” economic theories promising “trickle-down” wealth for the unwashed masses in order to justify absurd tax cuts for their “job-creating” rich buddies, the demand side of the market equation has been almost ignored.  That is because for years it was taken for granted that the “demand” would always be there, having cranked up during World War II, curing the Depression, and continuing mostly unabated for about 60 years thence, with us Baby Boomers and our parents spending money like drunk sailors following the peace.  The YOUNGEST Baby Boomers (born 1964) are now over 55; the oldest of us are in our 70’s.  We are mostly old folks now and are NOT spending money like we used to.  Almost ALL old folks don’t spend money like they used to.  Yet nobody has stepped up to take our places in the marketplace.  None of the “experts” (nor any of the current political candidates last year or this year) have been talking about that elephant in the room: that evaporating DEMAND.

Meanwhile, we continue to lie to young people that the best way to get ahead is to get a college (or law school) diploma, so all that cranked-up “demand” for still limited college space PREDICTABLY drives up tuitions (that few can truly afford) much faster than the inflation rate!  And the trades go begging for skilled practitioners, because that college diploma is so much more “respectable” than a remunerative career as a plumber or electrician or auto mechanic.  And the students who borrow those monster loans to pay those nosebleed tuitions are saddled with soul-stripping debt for most of their productive lives, because Republicans have smugly ensured that those hapless borrowers will never be able to discharge those debts in bankruptcy, with the feeble acquiescence of Democrats who should know better but who cringe in fear of being labeled with the dreaded “L-word.”  I am an ASE-tested, school-certified car mechanic as well as a retired lawyer and auctioneer, so I know what I am talking about.

I also KNOW that incomes are horribly skewed and dislocated and “unfair," but I am sick of the pathetic whining because most of those people who should know better seemingly have no clue about market theory.  Probably 65% of ALL American households GROSS less than $100,000 per year!  NOBODY in the true “middle class” will gross over that number!  And, there will NOT be an economic “recovery” enjoyed by most until several things happen:

1—Recognition that the “working stiffs” have to pay not only “income” taxes but also FICA ("Social Security") PAYROLL taxes on just about 100% of their GROSS income.  No deductions!  Wealthier folks do NOT pay any FICA on their earned annual incomes over about $130,000 nor on their rents, dividends or capital gains.  And they shouldn’t, since Social Security benefits are capped.  The “working stiffs” mostly don’t have any dividends or capital gains to worry about.  They don’t have a “dog” in the mostly irrelevant Dow Jones fight!

2—Recognition that the REAL “job creators” are paying customers, not capital investors.  Capital investment is certainly important, and Democrats should be concerned with it but not enslaved to it.  Small businesses owned by ordinary folks and big corporate business do not necessarily share economic objectives, even as they share voting patterns.  Higher incomes have enjoyed three major tax cuts during this century already: one early in George W.  Bush’s presidency, one during Barack Obama’s presidency and the most recent during Donald Trump’s presidency.  All three were ill-advised and have contributed to the horrific income disparities as well as shifting the federal revenue burden disproportionately onto the “working stiffs."

3—Exclusion of ALL income under $20,000 from ANY taxation at all, including a low-income tax credit for such payroll taxes withheld!  Every bit of that money spared will likely be SPENT in the marketplace, mostly with local merchants!

4—Repeal of the “2d home” mortgage interest deduction and a generous increase in the Standard Deduction to put more spending money into the hands of more ordinary people.

5—Adoption of one or two higher percentage brackets on net taxable incomes.  Wealthier folks should be taxed more, not to “punish” them but because they can AFFORD IT!  The money to run government has to come from somewhere, and the "working stiffs” are paying too much in federal taxes as it is.

6—Lowering of exclusions on the federal Estate Tax.  All estates over $1 Million should be subjected to the Estate Tax, arguably at lower initial rates.  That could take some pressure off the income and payroll taxes.

7—Revision of the composition of the National Labor Relations Board to purge anti-union bias therefrom.  That was touched on during the “On Point” program.  However, stagnant union leadership needs to be purged.  Too many current union leaders are still fighting the last war!

8—IMMEDIATE repeal of ALL import tariffs, INCLUDING tariffs on Chinese goods because, contrary to Donald Trump’s trade "wisdom," US tariffs are ultimately paid by Americans on those goods!

9—Recognition that American manufacturers are NOT going to be able to compete head-to-head with Asian manufacturers.  The wage disparities are just too great and will stay that way.

10—“Federalizing” of all health insurance and elimination of patchwork-quilt state regulation of same.  True repair of “Obamacare” is needed, with (unlikely) federal absorption of all healthcare concerns (“socialized medicine”).  People should be free to purchase whatever insurance they wish, but no one should have to rely on same.  Employers should be relieved of the healthcare burden.  It discourages high-wage employment and cuts down on SPENDING MONEY!

11—Replacement of the capital-gains tax break with an up-front individual investment tax credit.  This is a really complex issue.

12—Conversion of all corporations and other business associations to tax-free pass-through entities, with their wealthier owners subjected to higher taxation of ALL such pass-through income at ordinary rates, whether paid out as dividends or not.  US taxation of all "offshore" income should be a given.

13—“Legalization” of possession (not sale) of ALL currently illicit drugs.  Criminalization of lower-income folks for such petty nonsense MUST STOP, as must the absurd “War On Drugs,” which really has been a “war” on the Bill of Rights!

These changes (or something similar) are immediately necessary.  OBVIOUSLY they won’t all get done at once, but that is precisely why the Democrats need to concern themselves as much with control of BOTH houses of Congress as well as the Presidency, and that means developing a killer political strategy and tactics stretched out over the longer term.  Democrats won’t win over most of the substantial number of Trump voters, but they need to focus on those who MIGHT change over if the party abandons the presumptuous, ethnically-obsessed, pigeon-hole tokenism and snotty piety that has warped the thinking of most Dem leaders.  Nor should they have to surrender to racist bigotry to find some common denominators that might appeal to all, regardless of skin color.

BUYER BROKERS

In response to consumer pressures, the real estate brokerage industry has lately tried to develop a system whereby real estate BUYERS may be represented by their own agents or brokers who supposedly will not share any “divided” loyalties with the Sellers.

Yet, the created system that seems rigidly in place continues to compensate those “buyer agents/brokers” with them sharing a percentage (commission) with the listing agent/broker based on how MUCH the Buyer is paying for the property! That is a blatant conflict of interest, yet none with whom I have spoken about that issue is willing to back down from it. If an agent or broker creates a fiduciary relationship with a Buyer, and that agent or broker is going to be compensated with a commission that is a percentage of the selling price, then where is the incentive for the buyer agent to try to push the selling price DOWN?

The Seller of a piece of property intends to get AS MUCH money as possible for the sale. The Buyer, on the other hand, seeks to pay AS LITTLE as possible for the property. Is that not obvious? If so, then why should not a Buyer’s agent or broker be compensated on the basis of how LITTLE the Buyer pays? There is a fairly simple way to do exactly that!

Consider, first, that MOST residential real estate is listed with a broker under a listing agreement, so these provisions ought to be contained therein. A listing agreement is a legally enforceable contract, so prospective Sellers OUGHT to get competent legal advice from a lawyer before they sign ANYTHING! Most listing agreements traditionally provide that a Seller will pay a sales commission of six percent of the SELLING price, even though the listing (“asking”) price might be higher. And, if an “outside” agent or broker is involved, most listing agreements provide that the specified sales commission will be evenly split with the “selling” agent or broker.

I have proposed the following compensation structure instead: that the “buyer” agent or broker be compensated, first, by getting THREE percent (“half”) of the initial LISTING price, so that the “buyer” agent or broker is not penalized at all by how “low” the actual sales price might go. THEN, I would add on top of that a further provision that the buyer agent or broker be paid, ADDITIONALLY, TEN PERCENT of all dollars by which the actual selling price is UNDER the listing price! That would build in a positive incentive for the buyer agent or broker to try to PUSH the actual selling price DOWN!

AND, I would add to that a further provision that the buyer agent or broker be compensated at a fixed rate of $25 per hour (to be credited against the final commission due) for all time spent “searching” for desirable properties and viewing them, so that there is minimal DISincentive for the agent or broker to slight the Buyer’s needs in that regard. And, if the Buyer walks away, his/her agent is still compensated for all the time spent without needing to put any pressure on the Buyer to accept something less desirable.

And, it should be worth it to prospective Buyers to know that the “buyer” agent or broker is totally in one’s corner.

By now, the reader knows that I have spent a lot of my time thinking about ways to avoid Conventional Wisdom. Doing something because it’s always been done that way is absolutely the WRONG reason to do something! In my discussions with most agents and brokers, I get the feeling that they resent my implications and that their “good intentions” should be sufficient to allay such concerns. Yet, the rancid conflict of interest under the conventional system is still present and most agents and brokers just can’t see it. Why tolerate any of that?

TIRE TAX

The increasing use of electric vehicles is certainly beneficial to the environment, especially in urban areas.  The environmental costs of individual 3500+-pound automobiles idling at traffic lights and parking places is staggering, not to mention (but briefly) the FACT that the internal combustion engine is woefully inefficient as a means of transportation.

HOWEVER, those electric vehicles are, arguably, not paying their “fair share” of highway costs, which are funded primarily with taxes on hydrocarbon fuel sales.  This electric vehicles are not consuming hydrocarbons, yet they are using the highways.  To be sure, they are putting a much lower burden on those highways than fueled cars, but that electricity has to be generated somewhere, and if it’s generated with hydrocarbon fuels, then we are back to where we started.

And more and more vehicle types (including heavier trucks) will be converting to electricity as time passes.  Many vehicles are powered by propane, too, which may or may not have highway taxes imposed thereon.  And some Diesel-powered vehicles can run on used cooking oil.  The singer Willie Nelson brags about his Diesel-powered bus running on used cooking oil!  The exhaust supposedly smells like french fries!  What’s not to like about that?

Anyway, I think it’s time to take the highway taxes COMPLETELY off fuels and impose them on TIRES instead, because EVERY vehicle uses tires, even if it runs on electricity or even sea-water, as the “hydrogen” crowd likes to say.  (They don’t ever explain how that “sea-water” might be converted to hydrogen using lots of ELECTRICITY generated somehow!  There is no free lunch!)

And, those tire taxes can be imposed in a graduated fashion based on tire size: heavier vehicles use larger tires, while lightweight vehicles can use smaller tires.  Highway wear and tear is usually a function of vehicle weight.  Heavier vehicles create the need for more highway maintenance.

But, no politician I know of wants to pick up that cudgel and go to war.  Advocating ANY taxation is usually punished by voters.  It does not matter whether or not it makes any sense.  I have written to both my state and federal representatives about this issue, and I have NEVER gotten any reply at all!

Honestly, I cannot find anyone who will even take issue with my thinking.  I have never even seen this issue discussed anywhere.  But, I think I am right.

THE BILLY-GOAT AND THE TROLL

Fear. Real Fear. Five years old and pure terror!

I was five years old and enrolled in Foster Jennings’ kindergarten in Weldon, North Carolina in the fall of 1951. I loved going to that first “gathering” of kids, just like me. Every day. We had a great time coloring with crayons, playing games, singing songs, reciting our ABC’s, and listening to great stories that Miss Jennings would read to us out loud.

One of those great stories was the tale of “Billy-Goats Gruff,” about the troll who lived under a bridge that the three goats central to the story needed to cross. I vaguely recall that the troll wanted to eat the goats! He was really evil and dangerous! It was exciting!

However, one day Miss Jennings announced that THE TROLL was coming to see us! I could not  believe my ears! The fucking TROLL? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? (I didn’t really think “fucking.”  I didn’t know words like that at age 5, but if I had known them, I would have DEFINITELY thought “fucking”!) I was terrified, but I said nothing.

A few days or weeks go by. I can’t remember how much time it was. Then, one day, Miss Jennings says, “The TROLL is coming next week!”  Fear. There is nothing like Real Fear to get one’s attention, especially if five years old and consumed by pure terror!

God-DAMN it! (I didn’t know that word, either!) The abject fear gripped my little five-year-old body like a monster and shook me to my core! But, I said nothing. I really was terrified though, yet no one else seemed at all disturbed by this coming disaster! I never said a word.

Then, the following week, Miss Jennings reminds us that “the TROLL is coming tomorrow!”  

Jesus Christ! (I knew those words, but not in that context.) I went home and brooded about the coming disaster about which NO ONE ELSE seemed to worry! How DARE my parents expose me to such dangers? But, again, I said nothing. I don’t know if I seemed distracted or worried, but my parents did not comment. I was sure that TROLL would eat me alive since there were no billy-goats around. If that bastard (I did not know that word, either!) was hungry, he was surely gonna chew on ME! I dreaded going to kindergarten the next day.

THE NEXT DAY: I am sitting at my little desk. My friends are all around me, seemingly unconcerned about the coming blood-fest! Miss Jennings goes to the window: “Oh, children,” she says, “the TROLL has just arrived!”  Oh, my GOD! I am gonna DIE!

I catch my breath, almost quivering! The door slowly creaks open, and in walks a North Carolina State Highway PaTROLman!

DIALECT

After years of thinking about it, I am now starting to write about “what I know,” as the well-worn injunction to new writers goes.  So, I have lived in the American South my entire life, most of it in rural areas or small towns nestled in rural areas.  I have been surrounded by “bubbas” most of my life, and I can emulate their persistent, shared “dialect” pretty closely, I think.

For example:

“I told you not to come in this house with your muddy shoes!”

Becomes:

“I done tol’ y’all don’ be comin’ in dis heah house wit’ yaw muddy shoes!

However, even though those folks may SOUND like that, they don’t necessarily hear THEMSELVES like that!  None of us do!  What we likely think and hear is the first version, even though we may sound like the second version!  It reminds me of the fatuously persistent question of whether we dream in black-and-white or color!  When I dream, I am not at all conscious of “color” (unless the dream is somehow ABOUT color).  Most dreams are like experiences of reality, which in my opinion has no color!  It is an irrelevant quality of those realities!  I don’t usually even notice color in my day-to-day stroll through reality unless I am specifically looking for it.

Therefore, I think it is pretentious and vain to try to write in dialect.  And, therefore, I am going to avoid doing that.  I decided to try to write in “proper” English and let the reader imagine whatever dialect (s)he wishes!  I watched a lot of TV as a child, and I remember the first time I heard a Southerner being interviewed on TV, and how odd their accent sounded.  I had become inured to the accents of trained TV personnel who sounded “normal,” in contrast to the Southern “rubes” being interviewed!  

Yet, those “rubes” sounded exactly as I do!  I have been told I have a pronounced “Southern” accent, despite having a law doctorate.  I well remember the CBS-TV legal reporter Fred Graham, who had a pronounced “Southern” accent, and how quaint it sounded, though he was very knowledgeable and obviously well-accomplished.  Graham, born in Little Rock, Arkansas and a graduate of Yale, Vanderbilt law school, and Oxford, died at age 88 in December of 2019 from the horrors of Parkinson’s Disease.  He had been very good at his craft, nor did he speak in dialect!

I am not going to start dreaming in Technicolor ® either!

NOTES ON "CLIMATE CHANGE" (NOT "GLOBAL WARMING"!)

 Is mass transit THE “answer”?

The internal combustion engine is one of the single most significant devices contributing to climate change around the world.  Of course, it’s not the only such contributing device, but its use and spread are pervasive.  Climate “activists” and politicians, however, have been almost silent about that widespread usage despite its technical deficiencies, except for some general “bleatings” about “clean energy” and legislatively coerced fuel mileage.  Most want to make operating one’s own internal combustion engine more “friendly” to the climate, not to replace it and thus piss off the driver-voters.

The internal combustion engine is, at most, 20% “efficient.”  That means at least 80% of all the energy contained within a burnt gallon of refined gasoline (or Diesel fuel) is shed through the radiator as heat, or radiates off the engine block and exhaust manifolds as heat, or goes out the tailpipe as heat and incompletely-burned fuel, spewed all over the place, coating windshields, vehicle paint and the inside surfaces of the alveoli in our lungs.  That is absurd!  

(For the sake of full disclosure, I own six gasoline-powered motor vehicles, four of which weigh over 3,900 pounds, three of which have quite thirsty, quite powerful V-8’s and, sadly, five of which are in various states of disrepair.  I am also a certified automobile mechanic, having passed the eight ASE “Master Mechanic” exams twice.  Regrettably, “the cobbler’s children have no shoes.”)

Most personal transportation, at least in the US, is provided by 3,000-plus-pound motor vehicles, powered by arguably more “efficient” internal-combustion engines yet individually operated by the owners, driving alone or occasionally with another passenger.  RARELY are such vehicles occupied by more than one adult person, regardless of the purpose of the journey.  Car-pooling is the exception, not the rule.  Why is that so?

For one, it’s obviously more convenient to jump into one’s own car WHENEVER one wishes and drive to WHEREVER one wishes to go.  And park closer.  And do as little walking as possible.  For another, very few people want to have to rub elbows with the hoi polloi who usually ride whatever public transit is available.  It’s just “nicer” to be able to ride alone in one’s own vehicle.  With gasoline selling (currently) around $2.00 per gallon, the “global“ consequences are utterly irrelevant for most.

BUT—

Driving one’s own motor vehicle, especially at night and on weekends, entails individual risks and consequences.  Going out to a bar or restaurant or live-music venue (absent current COVID concerns) entails a not-insignificant risk of drunk-driving injuries and deaths AND/OR criminal-defense and insurance costs and difficulties!  And, there is the congestion created by other drivers and their vehicles.  And, there is the annoying WASTE of time AND FUEL looking for a parking space, and the costs thereof, and the probable WALKING therefrom to the desired venue.  And, most of those undesirable risks and consequences are present, even without the burdens of dealing with one’s own impaired driving.  There are always the risks presented by the impairments of other drivers, as well as those risks that have NOTHING to do with anyone’s impaired driving.  Many drivers are simply riding around, utterly distracted, not paying attention to what is happening NOW!

CONVENIENT mass transit, especially rail transit, could make most of those serious problems much less annoying and risky.  “Convenient” means operating until late in the evening, frequently, AND on weekends, with transit rail beds going everywhere.  Shouldn’t all divided roads and streets hereafter built or “improved” have rail beds routinely constructed in the medians?

We already know how inefficient individual vehicles are.  They must routinely climb and descend grades that are mostly eliminated with rail transit.  Individual motor vehicles leave brake dust and smog in their wakes.  Rail transit does not.  Rail transit can move more people with less energy consumption and less local pollution.  I don’t know the energy “efficiency” of a rail transit vehicle, measured in person-vehicle-mile costs, but I would guess it is much better than “20%”!

There are also the associated costs of of private vehicle maintenance and storage vs. public transit vehicle maintenance and storage.  The latter are mostly paid by TAX DOLLARS, but the former come out of our individual pockets.  As for tax expenditures, I suspect the costs of street and highway building and maintenance are higher than the costs of rail transit building and maintenance.

I also suspect that the polluting effluent of motor vehicles (including Diesel buses) in a congested urban space is much worse than emissions from electrically-powered rail transit, considering that the electricity may be generated at remote sites away from urban congestion.  TAX-FUNDED public health costs imposed by urban vehicle pollution are significant.

So, what about convenience and tax costs?  Yes, one might have to rub elbows with the hoi polloi on occasion, but most personal vehicle usage might be eliminated with truly convenient rail transit, ESPECIALLY if fuel costs $6 or $7 per gallon, as it does in most other places in the world.  Yet, too many people are dependent on their motor vehicles to earn a living, so they would have no choice about paying more for vehicle fuel first if they want to keep their jobs.  Thus, the availability of reasonable alternatives SHOULD precede a legislatively-imposed fuel-cost increase to avoid a horrible economic crunch that would adversely affect local economies.  Too many “tree-huggers” are advocating a higher fuel tax FIRST!  As the Queen of Hearts said, "first the sentence, then the verdict”!

The typical cost-benefit analysis is rife with exceptions and deviations.  Getting an “honest” rendering thereof is problematic, not necessarily attributable to bad intentions.  The variables are gargantuan in number and many are elusive.  So, it may be cheaper right now to travel by one’s own vehicle than to pay for mass transit, ESPECIALLY if politicians foolishly declare that mass transit will “pay its own way,” as they did with Amtrak.  Unfortunately, mass transit is NOT going to “pay its own way.”  NO such system I know of anywhere in the world accomplishes that, and I have ridden rail transit in a lot of different countries and places.  Postponing the acceptance of that reality carries its own ADDITIONAL costs.  Taxpayers will simply HAVE to subsidize mass transit.  Otherwise, lower-income people won’t be able to afford a ticket to ride!  What’s the point of that?

Unfortunately, the poor ”unwashed masses” just don’t morally DESERVE such subsidies in the minds of many, never mind how much sense it makes!  And many voters will surely take out their ire on the “bleeding-heart” politicians who support them.  Understandably, no politician with half a lick of sense will go out on that limb and press for SUBSIDIZED mass transit!  Most of the “unwashed masses” don’t vote!

So the status quo prevails.

But many taxpayers have not fairly considered the many indirect governmental subsidies of private vehicle usage (and air travel) coming right out of their pockets.  Fuel taxes don’t BEGIN to cover the full costs of highway- and road-building or maintenance, nor do gate fees (substantially passed through to passengers as higher ticket costs) pay the full costs of airport construction and maintenance.  There is no “free lunch”!  Get over it!  IF transit provides substantial benefits not reducible to dollars and cents (like cleaner air and lower climate temperatures), perhaps SUBSIDIZED (dare I say “socialized”?) mass transit is the way to go.  Literally.

Voters must be led to “buy in” to the concept.  Voters must be persuaded that, in the long run, such a system will operate to THEIR advantage, both economically AND health-wise.  It’s not enough to pitch the smarmy altruistic purpose.  People are sick and tired of that crap!  They want to know what’s in it for THEM!  

But, all that will require smart and COURAGEOUS “leadership,” which translates as a willingness to risk political defeat!  Worldwide, but it needs to START in the US, because we already have the financial resources to do it.  We can set the good and smart example.  For a change.

Unless AND UNTIL those realities prevail, all the "tree-hugging" blather about “fixing climate change” is just pecking at the margins.

(10/9/20)

THE TWELVE L-O-O-O-O-NG DAYS OF CHRISTMAS

My True Love bailed on me last year.  Christmas was the last straw.

I thought I’d try to do something really romantic and nice for her for Christmas.  I decided to replicate “The Twelve Days of Christmas” by giving her all the wonderful gifts as recited in the song.  Duh.

Twelve days each of “a partridge in a pear tree.”  I picked up some pear tree saplings last fall at a nursery and stored them in my garage.  I found a source for live partridges (“bobwhites”) and arranged to have them shipped to me in December.

Eleven days each of “two turtle doves” (whatever they are).  I got some live doves from the same source as the bobwhites.  I used to shoot both!  And eat them!  Damn, they tasted good!  Especially wrapped in bacon!

Ten days each of three French hens.  Do you have any idea of how hard it is to find FRENCH chickens?  But, I got ‘em!  At least they LOOK “French”!  I can’t tell if they cluck in French or not.  Do those clucks translate as “Pardon my French, but …?”  But I don’t think My True Love will know the diff!  I like fried chicken anyway!

Nine days each of four “calling birds.”  I had no clue what KIND of “calling birds, so I got 36 mynah birds that chattered up a storm!  And they weren’t “fowl-mouthed” like those gray parrots in Florida!

Eight days each of five golden rings per day.  Not real cheap, but not too bad, either.  Well, I thought they LOOKED like gold!

Seven days each of “six geese a-laying,” and six days each of “seven swans a-swimming.”  I’ve got a pond in my back yard, so I could keep them nearby and let the swans and geese hang out there.  I bought a couple of bales of hay and about 18 softballs to make it LOOK LIKE the geese were sitting on eggs!

And then I had to buy a bunch of cages for all those birds.  I got a bulk deal because I needed a lot of them!  I stashed them in my Barn.

Five days each of “eight maids a-milking,” which meant that I had to arrange both the maids and the cows.  I hired some college gals to dress up and pretend to be milk-maids (aprons and Dutch caps), and a buddy of mine who’s a cattle farmer brought in some steers to stand by and munch on the hay.  They didn’t care, and thankfully they didn’t need to be milked at 3 AM!  My True Love would not know the diff!

Four days each of “nine ladies dancing.”  I hired some women from the local Arthur Murray Studio to come in and swoop around.  They meshed nicely with the “ten lords a-leaping” who came in for three days.  It was kind of bizarre, though, watching them all jump and swoop around in the back yard.  It was pretty nippy out there, so I had to pay extra for them wearing the skimpy costumes!

Two days each of eleven pipers piping!  How annoying!  Thank goodness it was only for two days, and only for a little while each day!  They were playing Irish jigs for the ladies and lords to dance by.  I dreaded the possibility that they would be playing that dreary, atonal, pan-pipe Indian-music crap!  It was bad enough, so thankfully it was only two days!

FINALLY, on the last day, January 5, twelve frigging drummers drumming!  I got them from the local high school band.  What a RACKET!  They were outside, too.  You’d better believe it!  I told them just beat the Hell out of those drums for an hour and don’t worry about it.  They furnished their own uniforms, AND they brought some folding chairs, so I didn’t have to worry about any of  that.

By that time, though, My True Love was rather put out.  I think it was when the bird “doo” started piling up around the back door, and we could not walk in the yard for all the poop!  It was EVERYWHERE, and the sloped edge of the pond looked like a paved concrete boat ramp, where the geese and the swans were going in and out of the pond.  It was tough on the dancing ladies and the leaping lords, too!  Those birds had been there for several days BEFORE the ladies and lords got there!  The pipers and drummers didn’t care much, as they were sitting in the chairs they brought (pipers, too).  No marching required, which suited them.

When I thought about it and totaled everything up, I realized that I had set up a numerical “palindrome,” which is normally a word or phrase that reads the same, backward or forward, like “RADAR” or “A TOYOTA”:

12 partridges in pear trees and 12 drummers drumming!

22 “turtle doves” and 22 pipers piping!

30 French hens and 30 lords a-leaping!

36 calling birds and 36 ladies dancing!

40 golden rings and 40 maids a-milking!

42 geese a-laying and 42 swans a-swimming!

That’s a lot of bird poop!  I should have had sense enough to just make all that crap (pun intended) disappear every day and bring the same stuff back again the next day.

Another thing I noticed is that as each equivalent pair increases in total number, the DIFFERENCES between those total pairs reduce by “2”—10, 8, 6, 4, 2.  I thought it was a fascinating mathematical presentation, but My True Love simply did not care, as I vainly tried to explain it.  I was obviously boring her.

She just walked out the door, and I haven’t seen nor heard from her since.

And then the coyotes started eating all the birds.

________________________________ 

PATRIOTISM

I’m not sure I measure up.

What does it mean to be “patriotic”?  To “love one’s country”?  I daresay that judgment is mostly in the eyes of those who already consider themselves “patriots,” and they will surely decide who else qualifies.  Whether we ask them to do so or not.

Must we sing the “National Anthem.”  Recite the “Pledge of Allegiance”?  “My country, right or wrong”?  Defend the “Flag”?  Pray to God, in whom we must trust?  Do those markers all define “patriotism”?  Or is it just the last refuge of a scoundrel, as Samuel Johnson supposedly said?

Article VI of the US Constitution recites that every federal, state and local official (including ALL judges, police, and US military officers) MUST make oath to support the Constitution itself, but NO religious tests for public office shall EVER be required.  That’s all.  So, if one is sworn to support the Constitution, but won’t recite the Pledge, is (s)he not a “patriot”?

I won’t recite the Pledge.  Not anymore.  I haven’t in a long time.  I was sworn in as a lawyer on October 6, 1973, making oath to uphold and defend the Constitutions of the United States and Virginia.  I have not recited the Pledge ever since because I simply cannot pledge (or swear) my allegiance (loyalty) to an image or piece of cloth.  Those are “graven images,” much like the Israelites’ “Golden Calf.”  They mean too many different things to different people.

My loyalty is to the abstract concepts contained in the Constitution, and that is the only oath or pledge I will ever take.  Things like the prohibition against double jeopardy; the freedom of expression; the right to peacefully protest; the rights to have a lawyer, and juries; the right to practice religion—or not; the right to NOT be taxed to support the religious activities of others; freedom from shariah law or other such stuff, etc.  And, most importantly, the RIGHT to expect ALL public officials to honor all that.  Explicitly.

Speaking of patriots, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg died this past week.  Before she became a federal judge she had practiced trial law, aggressively defending people’s civil liberties, which is the essence of “patriotism” in my book.  She won most of her cases.  Probably lost a few, too.  Nevertheless, she was the LAST true civil libertarian to be on the Court.  The late Thurgood Marshall is the only other one who comes to mind.  

Donald Trump is expected to replace Ginsburg with a “patriot” of his own choosing.  One of the leading candidates is Amy Coney Barrett, age 48, Phi Beta Kappa, a supreme honors graduate of Notre Dame Law School (first in her class), law review editor, and a judge on the federal 7th Appeals Circuit, nominated by Donald Trump in 2017.  She was born the year before I graduated from law school.

Since graduation, Barrett has clerked for the late Justice Antonin Scalia and, until 2017, she was a law-school professor.  However, just after her clerkship with Scalia, she was in private law practice for only one year.  Nevertheless, she is certainly “well-qualified” for the position on the Supreme Court, but her obvious lack of experience in representing real human beings bothers me.  I am somewhat biased in my belief that only those who represent actual human beings are REAL lawyers!  Those whose liberty or rights are at stake must be defended by the best counsel possible, and that is what makes “America” different from ANY other country!  Lots of countries are “democracies,” but only America seeks to put a leash on run-amuck majority rule!  That seems to be the essence of American “patriotism.”  Certain corporate shills, professors and “activists” may have law degrees and may have passed bar exams, but I don’t regard them as “real” lawyers!  I assume my patriotic biases are not shared by many.

So, I’m not sure that Amy Coney Barrett qualifies as a “real” lawyer under my exacting standards.  She seems quite deferential at times to her fervent Catholic beliefs, and I daresay that is probably a major element for Trump’s consideration.  But I hope that she will honor the solemn patriotic declaration in Article VI (to which she is already sworn) that our Constitution, and not her God’s “law,” is and shall always be “the supreme Law of the Land.”

SUCCULENT

The cold steel blade jabs hard, the skin;

The juices leak from deep within,

Surging hot, like fresh-drawn blood!

You shove the knife down to the wood.

Deep-red slabs flop on the plate;

Two bread slices “emanate”!

Blobs of mayo smack them hard—

It’s no time now to fear the “lard”

Piling thick upon the waist!

There’s only time to smear, in haste,

The waiting mayo on the bread.

Blithely cast aside the dread 

Of increased weight from eating well

That mayo, while drooling swell

The juices running down your chin,

And then consume it, yet again!

JILTED--BOOM!

I used to be insane, but I'm cured now!

Back when I was in the 8th grade (13 years old) in North Carolina, I had been thoroughly schooled in “ballroom dancing,” wherein we learned the “box step” (of course), the schottische (STILL no clue), the polka, etc.  Us guys were wallowing in the ditch somewhere between “snakes and snails and puppy-dog tails” and “Ricardo Montalban,” complete with appreciation for fine Corinthian leather, fine cigars and fine wines.  And, of course, plenty of “English Leather.”

Well, I became rather attracted to a cute gal in my class at school who was also in “ballroom dancing” with me.  I used to eagerly try to dance with her and resented the Hell out of ANYONE “cutting” in on us!  Of course, that was all very proper dancing, way before the slow-dancing “clutch” was invented, wherein the formalities of holding the girl’s hand, with her other hand lightly on my shoulder and my right hand politely touching her waist, were rejected for wrapping oneself COMPLETELY around the dancing partner so that every possible square inch of body surface could be touching the other’s!  Wow!

So, I asked the cute gal to the Junior Prom that spring, and she accepted.   Having to pick up a date and being driven thereto by one’s parent is about the worst thing imaginable, but I thought we had a rather nice evening together.  Sadly, she was rather distant thereafter.  I was crushed.  Then in the fall of the next grade year, our 9th grade, her church youth group had a hayride, and she invited SOME OTHER ASSHOLE to go with her!  I was INFURIATED!  (Still am!)  So, I decided to get “even.”

My best buddy had an older brother who would drive us to the Virginia State Line about 15 miles away to buy fireworks, as I have mentioned previously.  If we really pleaded and wheedled, the vendor might let us buy some really nasty stuff: the “cherry bombs” and the “silver bombs” that were really loud—and dangerous!  We loaded up and came back home.  Then we went to work.

My buddy’s house was about 10 blocks from where the cute gal lived with her parents, which was also about 2 blocks from the police station.  However, we had decided to go “camping” that evening down the street from his house, so it would not be necessary to sneak back into his house after our planned “assault.”

My buddy and I had figured out that the “butch wax” we used by the bucket-load on our “flat-top” haircuts (to make them stand tall and straight) could be used to create “timer” fuses for the firecrackers.  We would unravel the lacquered cloth fuses and flick all the black powder from them, then we’d twist them back up with a liberal dose of “butch wax,” thereby creating sort of a “candle wick” that was VERY effective AND would also give us time to make our escape!  I can still recall the conspiratorial smell of that “butch wax” to this day!

And we did escape.  Under cover of darkness, we slithered down the alley behind her house, entered her back yard, and placed timer-fused “silver bombs” all over her back yard, behind the downspouts, on the steps, the windowsills, EVERYWHERE!  And then we lit them and took off!

We hauled ass down the alley and around onto the street, BEFORE the “bombs” went off, leaped over the edge of the dirt bank along the street and lay flat on the ground for what seemed like a century, our chests heaving like huge bellows.  Then, the beautiful sounds of success tore the still night air!  At least 4 of the 6 or 7 “bombs” we had set went off.  We were elated!

In our “pre-attack” surveillance, we had listened to the various police cars (there were only 2 or 3 in our small town) so we could memorize what each one sounded like, and one had a particular “tick” in the engine.  As we lay on the ground, wheezing, we could hear that ticking” noise go by very slowly after the noise erupted.  We lay perfectly still and perfectly flat and waited for at least an hour, until we did not hear anything else.  We knew that if we were even SEEN walking along the street, we’d be suspects.

We carefully got up and peeked over the curb of the street, saw that the way was clear, then furtively made our way back to our campsite, through the shadows and off the streets.

We eased into our sleeping bags and savored our evening’s success!